My Immortal, A Nerd's Take
by oh-the-irony-13
Summary: WARNING! Subject matter is not suitable for those not wishing to have their IQ dropped considerably. Viewer discresion is advised. Now that that's out of the way, enjoy my commentary on the monstrosity that is My Immortal!
1. Chapter 1

**Well, I broke. I just had to make one of these! So now without further ado, my take on the horrid, the imfamous, the brain-cell killing My Immortal!**

**Disclaimer: I does not own. This monstrosity is not mine.**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(Not funny) **2 my gf (ew not in that way)** (We weren't the ones thinking it.)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(She did a horrid job) **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **(I feel sorry for Justin. He has to go out with you.)** MCR ROX! **(*Insert random plug of your favourite band here*)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(That is the weirdest name I have ever heard. It must be a bitch to fill out forms.) **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(So you had long, ebony black hair at birth?** ***Is sceptical*) **with **purple** streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(Limped tears? *Gigglesnort*)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(I dare you to read that entire sentence in one breath. Seriously, I dare you.) **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(INCEST ALERT!) **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(Dafuq?)** I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(It's in Scotland)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(You mean goth wannabe, right?)** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example **(Oh no. It's the first endless clothes description of DEATH!)** today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **(No one cares) **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(NO ONE CARES!)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(That's sleet) **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **(Because being happy about there being no sun is just the epitome of goth, isn't it?) **A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(So cheerful. SO. FEAKIN'. CHEERFUL.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…**(A bouncing walrus juggling potatoes and singing selections from Willy Wonka?)** Draco Malfoy! **(Damn)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(Draco Malfoy? Shy? BLASPHEMY!)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(…Well…that was…anticlimactic…)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(No. It's so bad, it's going to spawn a hate cult. Congratulations! You've just set the new standard for bad fanfics!)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here we are, the second chapter of this mess! Thanks to you three who reviewed! YOU ROCK! Megan out.**

**Disclaimer: Thank God I don't own My Immortal, and why can't I own Harry Potter?**

* * *

><p>Chapter 2.<p>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **(Her helping isn't helping.) **BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(They are flaming because the story is bad. TAKE THE HINT!)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(Really? I usually wake up in the sink.)** It was snowing and raining again. **(Once again, that's sleet.)** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(Because that's not creepy at all) **My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet **(I thought goth wannabe's didn't like pink?)** with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on **(Cover your eyes. It's the long boring clothing description PART TWO!) **a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(YES! It's over!) **

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Because obvious self-insertion is totally awesome! NOT!) **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.** (So she woke up, grinned at you, and flipped her hair before even opening her eyes? Man, that girl's got skills.)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(NO ONE CARES!)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(Lyke, Oh em gee, really?)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **(I'm getting the image that the Slytherin common room is right outside the Great Hall. This is not accurate!)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(Temper, temper.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said. **(ZZZZZZ)**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(I thought you just said you didn't like him?)**

"Guess what." he said. 

"What?" I asked. **(This conversation is boring. Back to the hideousness!)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Because muggle bands having concerts in Hogsmeade is perfectly normal.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(You've just ruined those bands for fans everywhere.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(SO FREAKIN' DRAMATIC!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for taking so long to update! I got the Sims 3, and I've been sidetracked. Anywho, here's chapter three of this monstrosity! Only 41 more chapters of this blinding torture!**

**Disclaimer: Thankfully, I do not own this story. Unfortunatly, I do not own Harry Potter.**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!** (The preps had the right idea. They were trying to stop this monstrosity)** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(People gave this good reviews? What kind of world do we live in? **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(The day I care will be the day I say I like Justin Bieber. Which will never happen.) **I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **(…What?)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(Okay, you do NOT talk about that shit so lightly. The closest I've ever come to slitting my own wrists is cutting my thumb with a strawberry knife, but I was still at one of my lowest points when I did that. So many people in this world have cut themselves for many different reasons, and it is a very serious topic to try and cover. So no, you don't get to make your Mary Sue slit her wrists because she's feeling 'a little depressed.' Go jump off a cliff Tara. And take this story with you.) **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(You're gonna die of blood loss. Oh wait, you can't, because nothing kills you!) **and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **(You must have looked like a raccoon) **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(But you wore foundation yesterday. NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN THIS STORY ANYMORE!) **I drank some human blood **(Why do the teachers let you have human blood in your room?) **so I was ready to go to the concert. **(Remember kids; always drink blood before going to concerts!)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.** (There is only one flying car in the wizarding world. It belonged to Arthur Weasley before it ran off into the Forbidden Forest. Read. The damn. Books.)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), **(Why are all these muggle bands having concerts in Hogsmeade? And why does Draco Malfoy like any of them?) **baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Hon, I have no idea what the hell 'kewl boiz' are, or what types of makeup they wear, but Draco Malfoy would never wear guyliner. EVER.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(But you used an exclamation mark. Does that mean you made a depressed exclamation? Ugh, my brain hurts.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(Of course it did.) **and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Such wonderful role models you two are. Smoking and doing drugs while driving, aren't you just so smart?) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **(Great thing to say on a date.)**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(so much emotion and thought put into this sentence. Draco…looked…sad.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **(Way to go Sherlock.)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Can you put your arms around someone in a mosh pit?)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Can a face be blonde? What did Hillary ever do to you? Will Draco ever come to his senses? How much worse can this story get? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. **(NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FRIG!) **Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(You crawled. You were too drunk and high to stand. HA! I laugh at your pain!) **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…**(A asoline tank to end his misery and destroy you in the process?)** the Forbidden Forest! **(Dammit!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! After a very long break from fanfiction, I'm back at it! And so, I bring you chapter four of this crime against humanity! **

**As usual, I do not own Harry Potter *Cries* On the bright side, I don't own My Immortal! **

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(So let me get this straight; Ebony's name is…Enoby?) **nut mary su OK! **(Mary sue is a character type, not a name, n00b) **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(One of the classic ways of spotting a Mary Sue! They change how the other characters act!) **dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **"Flying us into the whomping willow to end this misery." No? Okay.)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **(Wait…aren't you guys in a tree?)** I walked out of it too, curiously. **(And plunged to your doom?)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(So much for being 'SOO IN LUV with each other.)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts **(Yes, because those exist in the wizarding world)**) which revealed so much depressing sorrow **(You know what would make the word sorrow even better? Sticking the word depressing onto it, even if it make the entire phrase redundant!) **and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(ou saw sorrow and evilness in his red eyes and didn't feel mad anymore? I'd be running as fast as I could in the opposite direction.)**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(Just as you what? Did Draco's kiss interrupt your internal dialogue too?)** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(I may not be an expert of kissing, but how do you make out keenly? I don't believe that makes any sense.)**He took of my top and I took of his clothes. **(So he's naked…in the forest…against a tree..and you just have your top off? Someone's getting a raw end of the deal here.)** I even took of my bra.** (Oh-em-gee, no way. That is totally shocking!)** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(And that, dear readers, is how a ten year old writes a sex scene. Your are now freeto use your brain bleach.)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere **(Um…I'm not an expert on sex either, but shouldn't this be the other way around?) **and my pale body became all warm. **(I thought you were a vampire? Obviously not a very good one.) ** And then….** (Aragog's children came and ate you because you are in the FORRBIDDEN FOREST!**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(Most. Epic. Line. In this thing.)**

It was….**(The Sue Patrol come to take you away for numerous counts against fandom, grammar and gothic culture?) **Dumbledore! **(Dammit. And to top it all off, Dumbledore is an out-of-character, swearing, Sueified version! But then again, in this story, who isn't?)**


	5. Chapter 5

**There is no author's note. I am too tired and too boring to make one. *Puts on sunglasses* Deal with it.**

**Disclaimer: I own none of this. Not Harry Potter, not My Immortal, and not a single chocolate chip cookie. The last one is irrelevant, but it's two in the morning and I want a freaking cookie. **

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!** (What does doing a commentary on this make you?)** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(When I have headaches, I take an Advil, turn off all the lights and curse mankind. But I don't recall my entire personality changing.) **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**(Hey, question; if he had a headache, why was he walking around the forbidden forest anyways?) **PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(And yes she updates anyways. Who on Earth gave this good revoiws?)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. **(I never knew him to shout at students who were in trouble. Must be one hell of a headache.)**

"You ludacris **(We're bringing rappers into this now?) **fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(I think you should get that checked out.) **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall **(Why is McGonagall there? She's head of Gryffindor. Aren't they both in Slytherin?)** who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(Take out 'In the forbidden forest' and that about sums up half this story.)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(That line is T-shirt worthy)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(Has anyone else noticed these last few sentences have had proper spelling and grammar? Is this a sign of the apocalypse?)**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(…Oooookaaaaaay then.)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**(What? He just let them go? SNAPE just let them go because Draco yelled he loved Enoby? Yep. It's the apocalypse.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(Well, you COULD have punished them, but noooooo, you let them go!)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(No she's not. She's destined to be the most hated character in all of Fanfiction. And knowing this type of Sue, she's bound to have magical future-seeing powers and knows this already, and that's why she's so fudge-ducking depressed all the time.)**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **(What did I tell you?) **I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(Yes, because that's what people actually wear to bed.)** When I came out…. **(The four horsemen of the apocalypse had followed the signs and were there to stamp you out first?)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, **(I never get my way.) **and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **(So he just…randomly started to sing…My Immortal the Musical anyone?)**I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. **(Keep in mind folks, this is only their first date!)** After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(And he's officially in her Sue-ish clutches. Farewell Draco, you shall be missed!)**


	6. Chapter 6

**I have returned from the world of music camp, Disneyland and Homestuck! Yeah, I'm Homestuck now, and a camp/Disney veteran. And just so you know, because of previously-mentioned-webcomic-you-should-all-read, the language might be getting a bit worse. Just a warning in case this is anyone's first time on the internet.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing here except my slightly-coherent words.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 6.<p>

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(I…I'm not even going to try and decipher that. You win Tara! I give up on trying to translate your author's notes!)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(Really? I usually wake up in the-wait…did I already make a joke about waking up in the sink? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!) **I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(This girl, this girl right here, she knows jack shit about hair colour. JACK. SHIT.)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, **(How delightfully disturbing.)** and a glass of red blood. **(Where are you getting all this blood?)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(I haven't heard this much talk of blood since Homestuck.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **(Someone woke up on the wrong side of the sink!)** I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(You went down his face? That's a little forward, isn't it?)** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **(Wait…)** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead **(Nonononono I have read this so many times but please let it not be true this time.)** anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK! SEE? NOW I'VE LOST MY TEMPER!)** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(This sentence. There are so many things wrong with it. So. Many. Things.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **(Ohgod…)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(Here it comes….)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **( MAKE IT STOP MAKE THE CHARACTER RAPE STOP WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID I JUST READ THIS IS JUST BEYOND EVIL NOW SHE JUST PRETTTY MUCH THREW HARRY POTTER IN A BLENDER TRIED TO UNSUCCESFULLY PUT HIM BACK TOGETHER AND THEN SLAPPED A SLIGHTLY GOTHY-SOUNDING NAME ON HIM MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(I don't even have the energy for this bullcrap line.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **(Anyone getting really annoyed by the randomly chosen descriptions of how they speak?)**

"Yeah." I roared. **(See?)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(These endings are so anti-climatic. THE LACK OF SUSPENCE IS KILLING ME!)**

* * *

><p><strong>And yeah. I'm dead. It is 4:40 am, I can see the sun coming up, I can barely think straight, and Tara has won this round. Goodbye everybody, I'll remember you all in therapy!<strong>


End file.
